There's something so holy about waiting in the middle.
Have you ever read Ignatius's autobiography? He had a battle injury that became a permanent disability, upending his plans for life. He makes a good companion for learning to pray as we wait and discern.
Oh I haven't read his autobiography but I've heard briefly about this part of his story ... thank you so much for reminding me of it because I was just wanting to put together a list of saints before us—companions, as you said so beautifully—who have dealt with/written about these things!!
Thank you for sharing this. I resonated so deeply with almost everything you said. Three years ago I suffered a very serious spinal cord injury. By all measures and accounts, I have made a miraculous "recovery". I did not even believe in God when this happened and he healed me nonetheless. However, I am far from fully healed and it causes a lot of issues and pain. I am certainly nowhere near my "old" self. I struggle with praying for healing. For one, if this whole thing had never happened, I probably would never have come to know and love Christ. Secondly, I often wonder if I am being ungrateful by praying for "more" healing. But there are also times when I ask God, "please, just a little more. Just relieve a bit more pain." There are other times when I try to be a big 2 Corinthians chapter 12 guy - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Of course God's grace is sufficient for me, but doesn't he realize that things could be just a tiny bit easier if I could only walk a bit more steady? Just to make getting groceries less of a hassle? And then I sometimes wonder "how much" prayer is the right amount to get this done. If I ask all the time, do I not trust in His plan for me? If I don't ask enough then do I not really care? And furthermore, is this genuinely the thing I need or want the most? What about Jesus healing my mind and spirit? Am I being sanctified through suffering, by taking part is Christ's own suffering on the cross? So much to think about but overall I really enjoyed this piece because it just made me remember that there are so many of us out there who feel these things. God bless you!
Wow, I relate to so much of this. Thank you for sharing so honestly all the conflicting emotions and questions. It's so comforting to see all my inner wrestlings articulated by someone else! And I'm so glad that my post could be the same encouragement to you. It's a strange thing when suffering like this brings you to God because you wouldn't want that part of your life to change and yet you still long for healing. And then it's strange, too, when you've been healed a lot but not completely. It does feel ungrateful sometimes to want more. So tricky!! But so grateful to not be alone in it, and grateful that God is with us in the wrestling. He just wants us to reach for him. I really appreciate this comment, thank you, Nicholas! And I'm so glad you've been healed from so much but will pray for complete healing too. Who knows what God has in store!
Thank you for sharing this. I really get it - I hesitate to accept prayers for headaches that I get. It feels more realistic and sometimes more spiritual to ask for prayers for endurance rather than the end of the migraine.
Related to the other Bible stories you shared, we were talking about Hebrews on Sunday, and it struck me that Hebrews mentions Sarah’s faith that helped her receive the power to conceive Isaac, despite the fact that in Genesis, we are only presented with Sarah’s disbelief.
I also think about Elizabeth and the woman who touched Jesus’ robe - they were both given miracles, but only after suffering for years (what seemed to be a set amount). So there’s also something to God increasing the glory of his work by having us wait for healing. (I say this to perhaps help confirm what your friend said about your actions not being the defining factor if God chooses to heal you now vs 8 years ago :)
Thank you so much for this comment, Erica. Honestly almost made me cry—such a tender and beautiful perspective on not getting healed right away. I have never thought to judge Elizabeth or the woman with the bleeding for not getting healed immediately—I just see the miracle and praise God. It's easier to see the grace and meaning in other people's waiting than your own. So thank you for reminding me of that! And I'm so sorry about your migraines, those can be so debilitating. I think prayers for both endurance and complete relief are requests God loves to hear. :)
Phenomenal Aberdeen. Very much like you, I grew up Reformed and skeptical of miracles (and still am!). And my disability and most in my family were born, so to pray for healing seems like a pointless thing. It really would take a miracle! But I am encouraged now to think, well I could ask God for such a miracle. I don’t have much faith in it happening either, but maybe like you it is time to enter on the long journey of praying for something that may never happen instead of just resigning myself to the long journey of suffering and management. Both require a lot of faith I suppose. And both can exist together.
Thank you so much, Bethany! Mmm, that's a whole other area of questioning and pain, I think, when your condition is one you're born with. I imagine that brings with it another set of questions and obstacles to praying for healing. "Both can exist together"—that hit me. Thank you for sharing about where you're at in the middle of things too! It's so comforting to not feel alone in it. Praying for you to even know whether and how to pray for healing too!
"I’d rather not ask than be daily confronted with the fact that You said No to a desperate plea from a tired daughter."
I am here with you. With chronic pain and other health issues, and with several other circumstances. I don't have the faith, the energy, the ability to pray for myself anymore. I can't keep pounding on the door. He'll have to do it without me asking, but I don't think He plans to.
Gosh, yes. Ugh I'm so sorry for all that is keeping your faith and energy at lowest ebb, Sarah. It's a brutal place to be, and one that has very little acknowledgment in most churches. I think God has a special grace for those who cannot even ask anymore. He knows our frame, right? That we are dust? I have to cling to that. When I try to pray for myself, I'll try to pray for you too. <3
Man...that had a lot a weight to it and rightly so. Most of the living through our lives are; weighty I mean. Aberdeen I admire you. I admire your transparency and honesty. It can't be easy living with chronic pain. I don't know what that's like but I do know of unanswered prayers and I loved how you explain it where you stopped praying to be healed. A lot of church circles don't talk about the long hard journey of the in the middle stuff. Sometimes you don't even realize you stopped praying for some things; you just kind of do. But my big take away was something you said that reminded me of what Tim Keller once said, which was along the lines of: when disappointment or trials or hardships or anything rough comes we have 1 of 2 choices. We can either drift away and face these things alone or we can lean into God and draw ever nearer to Him even when He angers us with His disappointment. Thanks again for writing on here! It's such an encouragement and I hope you found this little community to be encouraging to you as well.
"Sometimes you don't even realize you stopped praying for some things; you just kind of do." Yes! You articulated that so well. Thanks for your thoughtful encouragement, Ian, it means so much. And I agree that a lot of churches/faith spaces don't talk a lot about the middle, so I'm really glad it's helpful to hear. I'd like to fill in that gap and absolutely, this community is a huge encouragement to me in that. That's a great reminder from Tim Keller too (he's always so good!). Thank you again!
Oh, my God (and I say that like David). "It’s time to pray and pray and pray, for years, for decades, to wait like a watchman for morning, to find God in all the unmet longing, to bare before him all the desires of my soul knowing full well he may not give me the thing I ask for."
Having experienced many years of sickness and now four years of a ton better (but still with ongoing issues), this speaks to my soul on so many different levels. Being healed is weird. You get used to being sick. Being healed is like relearning how to walk but you're a lot bigger now, your legs don't work like they did as a toddler. You are learning an entirely new language. It is 4 years later and I still marvel at the ability to shower for more than 10 minutes, and I also still slip up and say "I feel horrible today" when I don't actually just because it's so normal. I also panic when I feel pain because I'm scared of relapse. It's a weird tension constantly. I still don't take my own pain seriously because I've been worse, so when I dislocate a spinal vertebrae I deal with it quietly (and then I offhandedly mention it and people freak out and it hits me that it is not normal).
All that to say.... I know what it's like to stop praying. To rely, even, on others' prayers for me because I cannot bear to pray because I can't bear to face God in silence. I know what it's like, too, to crawl back to Him because I have no one else to ask. And I know what it's like to have my prayers answered. All these things exist together - we expect them to cancel each other out, but they don't. We are frustrated at our disappointing God even as we breathe out our thanks for the miracles that we do see. And He is - maddeningly and blessedly - unchanging.
So many earnest pieces of truth here. I loved reading this— the whole thing; so many golden snippets that deeply resonate with me. Waiting on miracles is exhausting. Disappointment sucks. This part of our humanity is so familiar and known, yet unspoken, as we all just want to pick a side, compartmentalize— believe, or give up. I believe that this messy middle is so worthy of our attention and struggle. As I pray for my miracle, I’ve been led by the Spirit to meditate on James 1:5-6. It says if we lack wisdom, we should ask God, and that when we ask, we must believe and not doubt. I originally read this as a way to ask for healing, bold miracles, etc etc, and believe and not doubt. But it says wisdom. And in a way, wisdom might not be the miracle or the healing. Or maybe the miracle and healing come with wisdom. I’m not sure, I’m in this messy middle, too. I don’t know you, but I am praying with you.
"We had to wait a long time, didn’t we?"
There's something so holy about waiting in the middle.
Have you ever read Ignatius's autobiography? He had a battle injury that became a permanent disability, upending his plans for life. He makes a good companion for learning to pray as we wait and discern.
Oh I haven't read his autobiography but I've heard briefly about this part of his story ... thank you so much for reminding me of it because I was just wanting to put together a list of saints before us—companions, as you said so beautifully—who have dealt with/written about these things!!
Thank you for sharing this. I resonated so deeply with almost everything you said. Three years ago I suffered a very serious spinal cord injury. By all measures and accounts, I have made a miraculous "recovery". I did not even believe in God when this happened and he healed me nonetheless. However, I am far from fully healed and it causes a lot of issues and pain. I am certainly nowhere near my "old" self. I struggle with praying for healing. For one, if this whole thing had never happened, I probably would never have come to know and love Christ. Secondly, I often wonder if I am being ungrateful by praying for "more" healing. But there are also times when I ask God, "please, just a little more. Just relieve a bit more pain." There are other times when I try to be a big 2 Corinthians chapter 12 guy - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Of course God's grace is sufficient for me, but doesn't he realize that things could be just a tiny bit easier if I could only walk a bit more steady? Just to make getting groceries less of a hassle? And then I sometimes wonder "how much" prayer is the right amount to get this done. If I ask all the time, do I not trust in His plan for me? If I don't ask enough then do I not really care? And furthermore, is this genuinely the thing I need or want the most? What about Jesus healing my mind and spirit? Am I being sanctified through suffering, by taking part is Christ's own suffering on the cross? So much to think about but overall I really enjoyed this piece because it just made me remember that there are so many of us out there who feel these things. God bless you!
Wow, I relate to so much of this. Thank you for sharing so honestly all the conflicting emotions and questions. It's so comforting to see all my inner wrestlings articulated by someone else! And I'm so glad that my post could be the same encouragement to you. It's a strange thing when suffering like this brings you to God because you wouldn't want that part of your life to change and yet you still long for healing. And then it's strange, too, when you've been healed a lot but not completely. It does feel ungrateful sometimes to want more. So tricky!! But so grateful to not be alone in it, and grateful that God is with us in the wrestling. He just wants us to reach for him. I really appreciate this comment, thank you, Nicholas! And I'm so glad you've been healed from so much but will pray for complete healing too. Who knows what God has in store!
Thank you for sharing this. I really get it - I hesitate to accept prayers for headaches that I get. It feels more realistic and sometimes more spiritual to ask for prayers for endurance rather than the end of the migraine.
Related to the other Bible stories you shared, we were talking about Hebrews on Sunday, and it struck me that Hebrews mentions Sarah’s faith that helped her receive the power to conceive Isaac, despite the fact that in Genesis, we are only presented with Sarah’s disbelief.
I also think about Elizabeth and the woman who touched Jesus’ robe - they were both given miracles, but only after suffering for years (what seemed to be a set amount). So there’s also something to God increasing the glory of his work by having us wait for healing. (I say this to perhaps help confirm what your friend said about your actions not being the defining factor if God chooses to heal you now vs 8 years ago :)
Thank you so much for this comment, Erica. Honestly almost made me cry—such a tender and beautiful perspective on not getting healed right away. I have never thought to judge Elizabeth or the woman with the bleeding for not getting healed immediately—I just see the miracle and praise God. It's easier to see the grace and meaning in other people's waiting than your own. So thank you for reminding me of that! And I'm so sorry about your migraines, those can be so debilitating. I think prayers for both endurance and complete relief are requests God loves to hear. :)
Praying for your healing and endurance 😊
Phenomenal Aberdeen. Very much like you, I grew up Reformed and skeptical of miracles (and still am!). And my disability and most in my family were born, so to pray for healing seems like a pointless thing. It really would take a miracle! But I am encouraged now to think, well I could ask God for such a miracle. I don’t have much faith in it happening either, but maybe like you it is time to enter on the long journey of praying for something that may never happen instead of just resigning myself to the long journey of suffering and management. Both require a lot of faith I suppose. And both can exist together.
Thank you so much, Bethany! Mmm, that's a whole other area of questioning and pain, I think, when your condition is one you're born with. I imagine that brings with it another set of questions and obstacles to praying for healing. "Both can exist together"—that hit me. Thank you for sharing about where you're at in the middle of things too! It's so comforting to not feel alone in it. Praying for you to even know whether and how to pray for healing too!
"I’d rather not ask than be daily confronted with the fact that You said No to a desperate plea from a tired daughter."
I am here with you. With chronic pain and other health issues, and with several other circumstances. I don't have the faith, the energy, the ability to pray for myself anymore. I can't keep pounding on the door. He'll have to do it without me asking, but I don't think He plans to.
Gosh, yes. Ugh I'm so sorry for all that is keeping your faith and energy at lowest ebb, Sarah. It's a brutal place to be, and one that has very little acknowledgment in most churches. I think God has a special grace for those who cannot even ask anymore. He knows our frame, right? That we are dust? I have to cling to that. When I try to pray for myself, I'll try to pray for you too. <3
Man...that had a lot a weight to it and rightly so. Most of the living through our lives are; weighty I mean. Aberdeen I admire you. I admire your transparency and honesty. It can't be easy living with chronic pain. I don't know what that's like but I do know of unanswered prayers and I loved how you explain it where you stopped praying to be healed. A lot of church circles don't talk about the long hard journey of the in the middle stuff. Sometimes you don't even realize you stopped praying for some things; you just kind of do. But my big take away was something you said that reminded me of what Tim Keller once said, which was along the lines of: when disappointment or trials or hardships or anything rough comes we have 1 of 2 choices. We can either drift away and face these things alone or we can lean into God and draw ever nearer to Him even when He angers us with His disappointment. Thanks again for writing on here! It's such an encouragement and I hope you found this little community to be encouraging to you as well.
To staying awake!
"Sometimes you don't even realize you stopped praying for some things; you just kind of do." Yes! You articulated that so well. Thanks for your thoughtful encouragement, Ian, it means so much. And I agree that a lot of churches/faith spaces don't talk a lot about the middle, so I'm really glad it's helpful to hear. I'd like to fill in that gap and absolutely, this community is a huge encouragement to me in that. That's a great reminder from Tim Keller too (he's always so good!). Thank you again!
Oh, my God (and I say that like David). "It’s time to pray and pray and pray, for years, for decades, to wait like a watchman for morning, to find God in all the unmet longing, to bare before him all the desires of my soul knowing full well he may not give me the thing I ask for."
Having experienced many years of sickness and now four years of a ton better (but still with ongoing issues), this speaks to my soul on so many different levels. Being healed is weird. You get used to being sick. Being healed is like relearning how to walk but you're a lot bigger now, your legs don't work like they did as a toddler. You are learning an entirely new language. It is 4 years later and I still marvel at the ability to shower for more than 10 minutes, and I also still slip up and say "I feel horrible today" when I don't actually just because it's so normal. I also panic when I feel pain because I'm scared of relapse. It's a weird tension constantly. I still don't take my own pain seriously because I've been worse, so when I dislocate a spinal vertebrae I deal with it quietly (and then I offhandedly mention it and people freak out and it hits me that it is not normal).
All that to say.... I know what it's like to stop praying. To rely, even, on others' prayers for me because I cannot bear to pray because I can't bear to face God in silence. I know what it's like, too, to crawl back to Him because I have no one else to ask. And I know what it's like to have my prayers answered. All these things exist together - we expect them to cancel each other out, but they don't. We are frustrated at our disappointing God even as we breathe out our thanks for the miracles that we do see. And He is - maddeningly and blessedly - unchanging.
So many earnest pieces of truth here. I loved reading this— the whole thing; so many golden snippets that deeply resonate with me. Waiting on miracles is exhausting. Disappointment sucks. This part of our humanity is so familiar and known, yet unspoken, as we all just want to pick a side, compartmentalize— believe, or give up. I believe that this messy middle is so worthy of our attention and struggle. As I pray for my miracle, I’ve been led by the Spirit to meditate on James 1:5-6. It says if we lack wisdom, we should ask God, and that when we ask, we must believe and not doubt. I originally read this as a way to ask for healing, bold miracles, etc etc, and believe and not doubt. But it says wisdom. And in a way, wisdom might not be the miracle or the healing. Or maybe the miracle and healing come with wisdom. I’m not sure, I’m in this messy middle, too. I don’t know you, but I am praying with you.